9

OlderTwin is now the proud owner of a mouth appliance designed to stretch his upper jaw. The appliance is called a Rapid Palatal Expander (RPE). Turns out more than 50% of the kids with his genetic defect require such an appliance.

Thankfully, with excellent oral hygiene you can keep a baby tooth until your 30s. I know this because that’s the goal with two of OlderTwin’s baby teeth since there’s no underlying adult tooth to take their place. When these two baby teeth fall out, he’ll need an implant. About 20% of the people with his genetic defect are missing 1 or more adult teeth. (Thankfully, he’s not in the 1% that are missing ALL of their adult teeth.)

OlderTwin has been taking the same mood stabilizer medication for about six months. It’s done very little to help alleviate his rage fits. So, we’ve switched medications. The new medication causes less than 1% of users to experience bed-wetting. He has wet the bed every night since he started the medication. We’ll probably be switching medications, again.

F*ck!

Gay Men Explain Tampons - YouTube

When the early-twenties-something guy at the dinner party says he doesn’t worry about HIV because it’s only a chronic disease now, like diabetes, that can be managed with medication, I ask myself, “Do I have anger management issues because I want to take my steak knife and gouge out his eyeball or do I not have anger management issues because I successfully resisted the urge to take my steak knife and gouge out his eyeball?”

I’m not here to judge or preach but I do wish you’d just be honest and say your perceived advantages of unprotected sex outweigh your perceived risks of contracting HIV.

And, yes, there are plenty of legitimate reasons for having unprotected sex. Not to mention, given the number of unwanted and unplanned pregnancies, as well as their own STI rates, the straight community grapples with the issue of unprotected sex, too, so it’s not unique to LGBTQ folks.

But, to say HIV is analogous to diabetes is a lie (it’s a complicated, expensive disease to fight) and a huge slap in the face to all the wonderful friends and acquaintances that I lost. These were wonderful people who deserved the knowledge about HIV infection that we have today, as well as, access to the new, incredible life-lengthening, improving, and changing meds that we now have.

Please don’t tarnish their memory by suggesting that diabetes and HIV are equals. My friends’ lives were worth the hassle of gouging out your eyeball.

VH2 called wanting to feature me, TheDaddyComplex, IfJanetRanIt, and LazyDad in an episode for its show, Behinds in Music. The episode was to be titled, “The Real Fake Story Behind One of the Greatest Cover Bands that Gay Germans Have Ever Known”. What can I say? We had a very specific following. 

It was so many years ago that TheDaddyComplex answered my ad looking for someone to jumpstart an Air Supply cover band. During the interview, he said he’d been in the closet for years. I thought he was referring to other things when in reality he meant his love of Air Supply. Apparently, his friends were totes against Australian soft rock. Who knew peeps could feel such animosity towards Aussie soft rock? Anyway, oopsie.

I decided we’d call ourselves Air Lingus, cuz to a gay man who doesn’t speak Irish and is slightly confused about what it is exactly that the other side of the Kinsey scale does, it sounded dirty. Frankly, had I known at the time that Lingus is most likely a version of the Irish word Loingeas (which means fleet) we’d have probably picked the name Air Loins, but it’s water under the bridge now. 

IfJanetRanIt and LazyDad had a Nena cover band called NoneYa and we opened for them. Really, when you look back at the videos, it’s amazing how much LazyDad looked just like Nena when he let his hurr-did grow out a bit, got a perm, and used a little white foundation makeup. And, who knew Hawaiian schools taught such flawless German? 

We got signed to do a summer tour through Germany. Everything was going great for awhile. IfJanetRanIt’s husband, Scotch, that’s what he went by back then because he thought it sounded more edgy, even joined us on the tour, shooting all of our press photos. Really, though, I think he just joined the tour because he was worried that LazyDad might put the prom moves on IfJanetRanIt. And, for the record, LazyDad swears that edginess had nothing to do with the Scotch name change. He says IfJanetRanIt’s husband had a fascination with clear tape and the name change was a tribute to one of the greatest clear tape makers of all time. 

But, all good things must come to an end. The tour manager demanded that Scotch be shirtless when taking pictures of us during on-stage performances. Scotch, having been born wearing a shirt and a firm believer that one doesn’t even appear in Hawaii vacation photos unless wearing a shirt, was adamantly opposed to the shirtless requirement. And with that, we were fired.

The press picked up the whole shirtgate story of our firing and next thing you know under the glare of the media spotlight TheDaddyComplex, when asked about performing love songs with a gay man, went all M. Butterfly screeching, “My singing partner is a Gurrrl? I thought my singing partner was a girl!” And with that he was gone, but not before making me sign a nondisclosure agreement covering much of our time as Air Lingus. 

In his defense, he did always call me Girl instead of Gurrrl, but I mean, c’mon. TheDaddyComplex’s favorite thing to do in college was float down a secluded river at night with other guys. Seriously? Jeesh, straight dudes are so confusing.

It’s ironic that years later he’s confessing his love of drunken poodles  and publishing photos of himself in bed with another man but our time as the singing group Air Lingus is still covered by a nondisclosure agreement. I’ll bet he doesn’t even mention his time in Air Lingus during his upcoming book tours. 

Maybe I should call those VH2 producers back. Everybody loves a good scandal during a book tour! Nondisclosure agreement be damned!

This. This lady, ifjanetranit. She’s doing the parenting thing right. She’s taught her son well. 

There simply aren’t enough LGBTQ folks in this country to bring about real, meaningful change. We must have the support of allies.

The importance of her son accepting, embracing, and encouraging diversity can not be overstated. I’m not sure straight kids like him will ever understand how much it means to an old gay man’s heart to see people without a dog in the fight stand up for us, our families, and our right to equality.

He’ll make a change in the world and he’ll raise children who’ll make a change. Allies are the key to ending discrimination.

This. This lady, ifjanetranit. She’s doing the parenting thing right. She’s taught her son well.

There simply aren’t enough LGBTQ folks in this country to bring about real, meaningful change. We must have the support of allies.

The importance of her son accepting, embracing, and encouraging diversity can not be overstated. I’m not sure straight kids like him will ever understand how much it means to an old gay man’s heart to see people without a dog in the fight stand up for us, our families, and our right to equality.

He’ll make a change in the world and he’ll raise children who’ll make a change. Allies are the key to ending discrimination.

12Joan Baez Little Moses - YouTube

to wonder if the people who’ve been stabilizing your house for the past two weeks in preparation for lifting the foundation to fix the enormous settling that has occurred in one corner of the house over the past 30 years (welcome to life on a hillside in earthquake country; who needs doors that will open and close; and doesn’t everybody have to drill 80 feet to reach rock) are going to break your home - literally, not figuratively. (For instance, during the lifting process we have to keep the downstairs doors in the affected corner open lest the windows inside them shatter.)

They raised the foundation a bit yesterday but encountered some “glitches” so they finish today. DynaPapa doesn’t find it amusing when I say, “Oh, let them break it. Then I could build a new house.”

I guess I can’t blame him. Lately I’ve found very little amusing, too. However, I blame too few cupcakes, too much exercising, and encountering way too many assh*les.

the depressive state one is thrown into when you have, in fact, walked down that street and not received a single “come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue.”

Rather than question the accuracy of the song, you immediately internalize this rejection as meaning on the physical attractiveness scale you rank below Art Garfunkel. Let me repeat that. Below Art Garfunkel.

Depressive state entered.

when, just after midnight, you take your dog out for her last potty walk of the evening and to keep yourself entertained and from being scared of all the zombies and wildlife that surely come out at night to prey on innocent, aged, gay men like myself, you sing Patsy Cline’s hit, “Walkin’ After Midnight.”

What? My singing keeps scary things away. I don’t want the last words about me to be my neighbor screaming, “The dingo ate our gay.”

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