I originally bought this for Halloween. I don’t know, though, it kinda suits me. Maybe I’ll just wear it every day.
It’s actually an improvement on my real face. 

I originally bought this for Halloween. I don’t know, though, it kinda suits me. Maybe I’ll just wear it every day.

It’s actually an improvement on my real face. 

Someone at Gawker decided they like me and followed the Kinja account I use when commenting on its website. So, my comments are no longer gray and relegated to the pending section. 

What?

Look, at my age and in my parenting situation, you have to define personal victory in broad terms and take whatever you can get. 

DynaPapa is out of town. F*ck my life.

Picked up OlderTwin from after school care yesterday. Five steps outside the after school care building he tried to open an art project he made, but tore it. He instantly threw himself on the ground and began screaming. I remained calm by constantly telling myself my latest mantra, as stolen from Hello, Dolly!, ”Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile.” 

After 5 minutes of his screaming and banging his arms and legs into the pavement, I convinced him to let me carry him to the car. Thirty seconds into me carrying him, he remembered the torn art project and began violently kicking me while demanding to be put down. "Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile." 

I set him down as requested, primarily so I could attend to my now badly injured and bruised shin (and honestly I thought momentarily he may have broken my leg it hurt so bad). I sat a few feet away from him and calmly told him that I would wait, for as long as he needed, while he worked on re-regulating himself. "Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile." 

I sat there for 20 minutes while he screamed, tried to repeatedly kick me again, and actually bit a metal pole three times. His screaming was so loud that people who live near the after-school center came out to ask if he needed help. He screams with such volume and force that people often think he’s been injured, believing only a dying person could scream with such intensity. I reassured everyone that he was ok and after 20 minutes he burned himself out and then as sweetly as can be asked if he could play on the playground equipment for a few minutes before heading to the car. "Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile."

This morning there was a 45-minute melt down because he wanted to wear sandals to school, a violation of school rules. He immediately agreed to my suggestion of putting his sandals in his backpack and wearing them during his time at the after school care center since sandals are allowed at their facility. However, at the moment of dropping his sandals into his backpack, he lost it and began screaming, kicking the walls, punching the door, and was totally out of control. At this point, I finally broke and wondered if it just wouldn’t be easier if I took that f*cking parasol and beat myself into a coma with it. 

And to top if all off, when all the smoke and dust cleared and I finally got back home from dropping the kids off at school (and they were both late, of course, because of the 45-minute melt down), I discovered the dog has diarrhea, again.

Yep. Definitely smashing that f*cking parasol over somebody’s head today. Might be mine. Might be the driver who cuts me off in traffic today. But somebody is getting a parasol upside the head if they even look at me the wrong way today.

In response to my post mentioning Grace Slick, breakthecitysky left me this note. 

To her I say, don’t worry I’m not classy. Coca-Cola makes me burp so I avoid it. Grace and I would have to stick to milkshakes. 

Something tells me your dad is probably a lot more fun than me which is why he’ll get to sing the Mickey Thomas part during their rendition of “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”. As for me, always drinking that two-straw milkshake alone, while oddly enough everyone else is, for some reason, snipping their straws to a much a shorter length. What’s up with that?

(Seriously, one day I’m gonna get a Tumblr person to feel sorry for me and lip sync that duet with me so I can post it on my blog.)

In response to my post mentioning Grace Slick, breakthecitysky left me this note.

To her I say, don’t worry I’m not classy. Coca-Cola makes me burp so I avoid it. Grace and I would have to stick to milkshakes.

Something tells me your dad is probably a lot more fun than me which is why he’ll get to sing the Mickey Thomas part during their rendition of “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”. As for me, always drinking that two-straw milkshake alone, while oddly enough everyone else is, for some reason, snipping their straws to a much a shorter length. What’s up with that?

(Seriously, one day I’m gonna get a Tumblr person to feel sorry for me and lip sync that duet with me so I can post it on my blog.)

As someone who is watching his 40s fly by, I try to remember what Grace Slick said over the course of several interviews.

All rock-and-rollers over the age of 50 look stupid and should retire. You can do jazz, classical, blues, opera, country until you’re 150, but rap and rock and roll are really a way for young people to get that anger out. It’s silly to perform a song that has no relevance to the present or expresses feelings you no longer have.

This is one reason why I try to show as little skin in public as possible. Bikinis, speedos, and going shirtless are for the young, so enjoy it while you can.

I don’t care what size body you have. Your youth makes you beautiful. Don’t let it pass you by.

For the day will come when you’ll be old like me, look in the mirror, and realize a Darth Vader costume, mask & all, is the only thing that really suits you, anymore. You’ll also ask your husband, “Is this black Darth Vader cape slimming or does it make me look fat?”

Same-sex "marriage" is a pestilence that... - Anthony P Culler | Facebook

If I see you working out and you’re not doing something, like listening to music or reading your Tumblr dash, I say to myself, “What is wrong with that person? How can anybody exercise without something to distract them from the mind-numbing and body-horrifying pain that is exercise?”

Yep, if you’re one of those people I see jogging down the road without earbuds in your ear, then I’m pretty sure you’re probably going to snap and go postal at any moment. I’m staying out of your way.

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David Hasselhoff - Rhinestone Cowboy - YouTube
And, of course, I can’t let a post like this one come across my dash without saying that growinguplast is correct. Fear the people you know the most if you’re going to fear anyone. 

Also, soap box time. Stop listening to those kooks who try to tell you that gay men pose a sexual threat to your children. It’s simply not true. Studies don’t support that nonsensical theory. What studies do show is that fixated child molesters are neither straight nor gay because they are repulsed by adults, being only attracted to children, and often molest boys and girls. Regressed child molesters who target boys are often in heterosexual adult relationships. 

So, yeah, to hell with that Boy Scouts nonsense about gay adult leaders. And, frankly, I wonder what motive the Boy Scouts has to falsely cast suspicion on openly gay men. This distraction behavior on its part just allows the real dangers to hide in their ranks and continue harming kids. An unsettling realization in my mind.

And, of course, I can’t let a post like this one come across my dash without saying that growinguplast is correct. Fear the people you know the most if you’re going to fear anyone.

Also, soap box time. Stop listening to those kooks who try to tell you that gay men pose a sexual threat to your children. It’s simply not true. Studies don’t support that nonsensical theory. What studies do show is that fixated child molesters are neither straight nor gay because they are repulsed by adults, being only attracted to children, and often molest boys and girls. Regressed child molesters who target boys are often in heterosexual adult relationships.

So, yeah, to hell with that Boy Scouts nonsense about gay adult leaders. And, frankly, I wonder what motive the Boy Scouts has to falsely cast suspicion on openly gay men. This distraction behavior on its part just allows the real dangers to hide in their ranks and continue harming kids. An unsettling realization in my mind.

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