May 2013
65 posts
2 tags
3 tags
Who's Right: The Advice Columnist or Me?
From The Guardian
Question: My boyfriend of three years has never actively looked at my vagina or shown the slightest interest in it other than the usual foreplay. He performs oral sex occasionally but always under the darkness of the duvet and has admitted he doesn’t find vaginas particularly attractive, joking that mine is especially repulsive. I feel hugely hurt and ashamed and his...
2 tags
First Impressions
A fellow Tumblr blogger was nice enough to invite me to lunch next week. (No, I’m not going to tell you who. It’ll be a surprise.) After sending this text response,
it did cross my mind that it maybe wasn’t the best thing to say to someone who hasn’t yet met me. For the record, I always wear pants. Ok. Maybe not around the house. But, always when meeting people in...
1 tag
Morning Humor
Did you hear about the zoo that only had one animal, a dog?
It was a shitzu.
2 tags
DynaPapa Clarifies Things For Me
I recently mentioned to DynaPapa that I was thinking of writing a post for a local news website, addressing the issue of guns and gun control. DynaPapa thinks that I can sometimes be a bit of an airhead so his one comment was, “You know. When people talk about gun control, they’re not talking about how well you could throw a rifle when you were in high school color guard.”
I...
2 tags
Parenting Lessons - Passing Gas Potentially...
My twins, like many little boys, are absolutely fascinated with the “art” of passing gas and fart is probably one of their most frequently used words, much to my annoyance. Thus, it is tempting to share this story with them as a warning about the dangers of farting.
It started when he farted.
An Immokalee woman who is accused of throwing a kitchen knife at her longtime boyfriend...
3 tags
Morning Humor
A woman with small breasts buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. The next morning, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobs size 44.” There is a flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. She runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. The husband crosses his fingers and...
4 tags
Kids Still Do This?
As much as technology has changed over the last 40 years, I nearly fainted today when I picked up the twins & noticed a table of kindergarten girls making “cootie catchers”.
When I was in kindergarten & elementary school, the girls always made these. The older we got, the more elaborate they got. They evolved into “fortune tellers”. As for the boys, they made triangle paper footballs...
1 tag
Parenting Gone Wrong
I know there are a lot of jokes floating around on the internet about keeping your kids off the pole. I’m sort of oblivious to pop culture so I’ve never really quite understood what these jokes meant, but I can tell you I certainly never imagined they were possibly giving advice to this moronic father.
Adolfo Guzman, 49, is being held at a Miami detention center, accused of using...
2 tags
4 tags
Masks
I’m usually quite shy until I get to know someone rather well. One of my friends, acknowledging my reserved demeanor, gave me a pair of sunglasses many years ago. They’re really made for a child or an adult with a normal sized head which is to say that they barely fit my oversized noggin.
He told me they reminded him of me. “A plain-Jane vanilla exterior…
...
3 tags
Morning Humor
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
2 tags
Hurry everyone say how much you adore electradaddy...
punkdad:
I love electradaddy because he is always there to say something nice when you need it, even when he doesn’t know you are having a rough go with things that day.
What a nice surprise to come home and find all this love on my dash. Tuesday is a busy day spent shuttling the kids to various activities. This week was even further complicated because DynaPapa is out of town and YoungerTwin...
2 tags
My Parenting Style
Attachment parenting. If it works for you, rock it.
Free range parenting. If it works for you, rock it.
As for me, I’m more of the Disney parenting type. I start the day off as Mary Poppins, but by the end of a long day, I have been known to morph into Cruella F*cking Deville.
2 tags
That Could Have Gone Better
I am very shy and usually never talk to strangers. Hell, I’m so shy I usually don’t talk to friends, acquaintances, or even myself. A recent experience on BART reminded me why I should stick to my “never talk to people” rule.
Scene: Crowded BART train but I manage to find a seat next to a woman with a baby that’s about 8 months old.
Lady with Baby: I hope you don’t mind...
1 tag
Morning Humor
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can’t reach that far.
5 tags
Really? Well, I can. These. Definitely these.
I bought these generic brand twinkies this weekend. Man on man sex is definitely much better.
Two things you can do without.
Generic or knock-off twinkies. (I hope the originals make a return.)
People who tweet such moronic crap.
4 tags
Mustache Transplants
I saw this story about mustache transplants and couldn’t help but think of a certain blogger who is claiming to be traveling in Europe for work right now. But, I wonder….
The procedure uses a technique called follicle-hair extraction, in which doctors remove clusters of hair from the more hirsute areas of the body and implant them along the lip or cheeks to magnify a mustache or...
1 tag
Facial Tic
I have developed a facial tic. Lovely, right?
I’m keeping a positive about, at least as much as one can when a part of their face sporadically quivers like a bowl of f*cking jello. DynaPapa says it’s probably due to a lack of sleep and the doctor assures me it’s not a side effect of my condition or the medication so it’s probably due to stress and should resolve itself...
1 tag
Why I Don't Sing in Public...
…I Ain’t Got Time to Be Arrested.
‘I will always love youuuuuuuuu’: Woman kicked off plane for refusing to stop singing Whitney Houston song
Passenger treated fellow travellers to renditions of the 1990s pop song on a six hour flight from Los Angeles to New York
But her solo performance soon became too much for passengers and crew
Pilot forced to divert flight path...
1 tag
Morning Humor
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
via
2 tags
Mother's Day, Hanukkah, & Thanksgiving
I always answer asks privately. No reason. Just my thing.
I had one today that many people usually want to ask but are too reluctant which is a pity because like most parents I’m always eager to talk about my kids. So, I thought I’d share and expand on my response.
Question: Do the kids do anything for their birth mother for Mother’s Day?
Answer: My kids don’t simply because they don’t have...
4 tags
3 tags
Mother's Day & Morning Humor All Rolled Into One
I ran across this Mother’s Day story last year and thought it quite funny so I decided to share it. Here’s where I found it.
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and...
3 tags
1 tag
2 tags
Morning Humor
The marketing team at Charmin was trying to come up with a name for a new type of toilet paper the company wanted to sell. Stumped, the team decided to enlist the help of consumers in order to come up with something catchy and memorable. Several candidates were selected and handed a roll of the nameless product with instructions to provide some suggestions after they had used the entire sample....
3 tags
"Time has little to do with infinity and jelly...
Well, here’s my 1,000th post.
Yeah. Don’t piss yourself or anything. It’s just a number.
As I peek back through some of these 1,000 posts, I’m amazed by the amount of mind-numbing sh*t that traveled through my fingers from my brain to my keyboard.
I tried to use these 1,000 posts to do four things:
Make people laugh or smile.
Make people feel better about themselves. Nobody is perfect and...
2 tags
4 tags
They'd Be Perfect
Via Queerty
GayCities is currently conducting an open casting call to select teams for a “roadtrip of a lifetime.” The new yet-to-be-titled project will follow teams of two as they travel across the country in a brand new Lexus, visiting iconic destinations and picking up surprise passengers along the way.
Sounded close enough to another drive across America project that I followed on Tumblr...
2 tags
Morning Humor
Why was the blogger in pain?
Because he ran into a post.
1 tag
3 tags
Love & Marriage
Via Queerty
Cutest couple in the world, John Darby and Jack Bird, who will celebrate 54 years of love and life together in July and their five-year wedding anniversary two months later.
The AFP profiled John and Jack and it’s basically the best thing ever:
“It is so important to realize that gay life is so much more than just sex; it is love,” he continued as Bird nodded.
“It would be lovely...
2 tags
Morning Humor
A woman isn’t feeling well and goes to the doctor. After conducting a thorough physical the doctor says, “I’m really sorry to tell you this but you only have six months to live.”
The lady says, “Oh, no. Is there anything I can do?” The doctor says, “You should marry an accountant.” The woman asks, “Why? Will it make me live longer?” The...
4 tags
3 tags
Realities of Being a Gay Kid
Since my parents had no idea about my sexuality, when they decided it was time to have the birds and the bees talk with me, it had a very heterocentric focus. As they were talking, I kept thinking, “This is as helpful as teaching a blind man to drive a car.”
2 tags
And That's How an Ear Wound Up on the Floor
A fellow Tumblrer asked if their spouse could call me to ask me a question. When I mentioned this to DynaPapa, his response was, “As in call on the telephone? Besides your ‘sistahs’ (this would be my two gay best friends) nobody ever calls you. You’re going to trap this poor person on the phone and talk their ear off. You just make sure we don’t have to pay the...
2 tags
Personal Safety Tip
DynaPapa says that I’m scary when I get mad. He tells people, “Kenny will do and say things that people would be embarrassed to write on a public restroom wall.” And, while it takes a lot to push me over the edge, he’s right.
The worst public argument I ever had was in 2003 when a New York limo driver would not allow me to disengage the child safety locks. I grew up in...
2 tags
Now I Remember...
This June marks one of those milestone years that high schools like to celebrate in the form of reunions & such. One of the advantages of taking DynaPapa’s last name is that it’s made me nearly impossible to find on social media. (Suck it, Facebook.) The group in charge of our reunion has been searching for me under my old last name, having no idea it’s changed.
Further complicating the...
1 tag
Family Argument (TW: Suicide)
My cousin killed himself 20+ years ago. This was sad. He was a nice guy and my aunt still mourns for him as this was her only child. Five years before that, her husband (my uncle) died from a sudden heart attack. Being honest, this was not sad. He was mean, abusive, and had a lot of life insurance.
Since my aunt never remarried and has no living children, many of my cousins and I (her nieces...
2 tags
1 tag
Conversations with my Doctor
Nothing to report.
Once you agree to his plan or tell him that he’s right, he figures you’re in the bag so he stops calling. Then the next time you see him you’re lying on a table partially naked & thinking I let them shave me for this.
Men.
3 tags
Birthday Greetings
I swear. I buy the man’s book. I even leave him a 5-star review. So, when he comes to San Francisco does he give the president of the local Charlie Capen Fan Club (that would be me) a call to say, “Hey, Loser, I’ll be in town autographing my book so bring your crew and y’all can get your books signed?” Hell, no.
And if that’s not bad enough, I come to find out...
4 tags
Two Things I Don't Ask a Straight Guy To Share
1. A hug
With my gay friends, we are secure in our sexuality and friendship so we don’t perceive any sexual desire or connotation to our hugs. But, when a straight guy leans in for a hug, I inevitably think, “Sh*t!” because when hugging a straight guy there are so many damn rules to remember. For example:
Hug can’t last more than two seconds.
Hug must conclude with a...
2 tags
Well Isn't This Lovely
I’ve kept track of the twins’ important milestones by writing them in a book. Today, I’ll be adding,
YoungerTwin demonstrated a further mastery of the English language. He was very grumpy & complained constantly during our hike. Towards the end he looked at me, smiled his impish grin, & yelled, ‘Fuck!’ at the top of his lungs.
3 tags
How to Respond to a Blog Post
My friends and I will read each other’s blogs but never leave a comment. Instead, we call each other to discuss a particular post.
Let that sink in. We are so old school that we will read each other’s blogs, but have to use a landline phone to discuss them.
When I die, I hope the world is still using oil and gasoline because I’m truly gonna make excellent fossil fuel.
2 tags
Conversation with my Friend
Joedy: We’re all getting together for dinner one night this week. Wanna join us?
Me: If I have time. My calendar is pretty full this week. May 6 - 12 is the first ever International Clitoris Awareness Week and I hate to pass up an opportunity for having a legitimate reason to wear my “I Love My Clitoris” t-shirt.
Joedy: You have an “I Love My Clitoris” t-shirt?
Me: It was the 80s. I was in...
3 tags
Conversations with my Doctor
Me: I tell you that I don’t like the fatigued feeling this condition is causing. Yet, to treat the condition, you give me a medicine for which fatigue is a side effect. So, in essence, we are treating fatigue with fatigue?
Doctor: Basically. Any more questions?
Me: Can I have a refund?
2 tags
“When shit brings you down, just say ‘fuck it’, and eat yourself some...”
– David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
If I ever work up the courage to get a tattoo (or find a tattoo artist who offers general anesthesia), this will so be written all over my body.
3 tags
Driving with my Friends
Me (riding shotgun & giving directions): We’re going to proceed gayly forward for another 3 blocks before making a left turn.
Friend (driving): Gayly forward? What the hell does that even mean? Straight ahead?
Me: Gurl, nothing about me is straight. Not even my directions.
