Hollering Out My Opinions

With David Karp and Marissa Mayer appearing in the news and...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:42:12 -0700

With David Karp and Marissa Mayer appearing in the news and receiving a lot of attention over the weekend, I was wondering how many people could even recognize them in real life.

It’s been 13 years since this episode of To Tell The Truth, featuring Sergey Brin, was filmed and in that time Google has certainly become a company and a website that almost everybody is familiar with (even more so than they already were in 2000). Hell, the word Google has even entered the English language as a verb.

But, even with all of that fame and world domination, I wonder if people could actually recognize the real Sergey Brin, one of the co-founders of Google. (Other than a beard - he really hasn’t aged much. Rich, smart, and still youthful looking. F*cker. But, I’ve met him - arrogant - so maybe it balances out.)

It’s interesting to me that many of the people who invent things or lead companies that become a huge part of our life (Google, Tumblr, Yahoo, etc.) are often unrecognized by the majority of people who use their products or companies. Yet, other guys (Jobs, Gates, & probably even Zuckerberg) become the face of their products.

I often wonder if it bothers some of these people that they’re largely unrecognized or if the money is enough or if they really don’t care or maybe they grow to care over time? People are complex creatures and I’m often curious to know what motivates them to act in a certain way. This could be why auditing and consumer economics were such interesting fields to me. (Or maybe I’m just nosy.)

Hell, if any blogs gets deleted as part of this Yahoo acquisition, it’ll probably be ones like mine that are run by old geezers. It’s clear Mayer bought Tumblr for its enormous number of younger users. So, if she goes Abercrombie & Fitch CEO on us, I’ll be pushed out under the mantra of “I don’t want old peeps dragging down the image of our site.” So, all you people worried about your nekked blogs are probably safe.

But, I wonder how many of the younger peeps could recognize David Karp. If I were 26, again, and trying to pick up dudes, maybe, I’d just claim to be him & see if that got me laid.

Spartan Wedding Leads to Brotherly Obsession?

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:48:48 -0700

Dear Prudence,
I am the middle of three boys and we are all in our 20s. Our parents separated shortly after my younger brother was born and eventually they went through a bitter divorce. Recently, my father, brothers, and I went to a camping-style family wedding together. The facilities were spartan and we all ended up in a communal shower. I’m sure this was the first time all four of us were naked together, and it was certainly the first time I’d seen my younger brother naked since he was little. In the shower, there was a definite “one of these things is not like the other” moment. While my older brother, dad, and myself have fairly similar, if modest, endowments, my younger brother’s male parts were noticeably different (and “better”) than ours in almost every way possible: size, shape, even complexion (!). It was like seeing a great white whale breaching alongside dolphins. None of us look strikingly like our parents, but we are clearly brothers, except for this newly discovered alien appendage on my younger brother. At the reception, my older brother brought this up to me immediately, and we worked out the theory that mom had an affair that gave rise to my baby brother, and his decidedly different genitalia, and the divorce. I don’t think full brothers could have such variation, and the fact that my younger brother’s package is a definite upgrade plays into the theory that maybe mom was shopping around for a better deal. We’d really like to get to the bottom of this, but we’re not sure how to broach this already difficult topic with either parent when our only evidence consists of this sensitive observation.

Sweet mercy. So much to discuss.

1. Different in “complexion”? As a gay man, I’ve seen my fair share of ~~peniss~~ ~~peni~~ ~~penisses~~ ~~paninis~~ peckers (even if I am unsure of the plural of penis) and I have no idea what this “complexion” comment means. And, truthfully, I’m not sure I want to know.

2. So, because your brother has a bigger penis than you do, you’re going to accuse your mother of infidelity, cast out your sibling as not being a “full brother” (thankfully you don’t have any adopted siblings because I can not imagine how terribly you would treat one based on the crappy attitude you exhibit in this letter), blame him for your parents’ divorce, and possibly drive a wedge between your younger brother and your father. Are you seriously that obsessed with and jealous over your brother’s dick? Really?

3. And, while you don’t “think full brothers could have such variation”, I was glad that Prudie pointed you to this site which educated your dumb ass on the issue.

4. But, most importantly, who the hell decided to have a “camping-style family wedding” at a place so spartan that your only option for bathing was a “communal shower”? Has nobody in your family heard of the Ritz-Carlton? Hell, I’d settle for a wedding at an Econo-Lodge meeting room before I went to a place so spartan it featured “communal showers”. If you want to eject anybody from your family, eject the person who picked this wedding venue.

Morning Humor

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:51:50 -0700

Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants with him to the golf course?

In case he got a hole in one!

Tattoo Bigotry Strikes Again

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:20:00 -0700

I don’t have a tattoo and statements like this one

does the Mickey Ds on N. California attract the biggest freak show in town? In one hour on Sunday afternoon I saw: two crazy haired tattoo covered peeps, a dude walking his dog through the restaurant (twice) & a lady screaming obscenities at no one.

that appeared on the Patch website for a neighboring city just chap my ass. For those of you with tattoos, I really don’t know how you put up with such ridiculous, judgmental, and bigoted comments.

And this comment was posted by a Regional Editor for Patch. Incredibly unprofessional.

You Can Make a Difference. The Choice to Act is Yours.

Sun, 19 May 2013 09:13:12 -0700

From USA Today

Rosas, 18, had seen anonymous bullies send the girl hurtful messages on Tumblr, a social networking website where she kept her blog. Then, one afternoon, it happened. On May 6, the 16-year-old girl, who Rosas knew only through the Tumblr site, threatened to commit suicide in an online post.

“She blogged, saying she was going to end her life,” said Rosas, a resident of Cathedral City, Calif. “She had been fighting this depression, and when she posted that, my instinct was that she was serious. She wrote something like: ‘I’m going to kill myself. There is no other option.’”

Desperate to do something, Rosas called a local suicide hotline to report the post. But she didn’t know the teen’s last name — or even what part of the country she lived in — so the hotline told her to call police. It was about 5 p.m.

What would unfold over the next eight hours would transform into a race against the clock that would stretch across the entire country. Ultimately, a teenage girl in New Jersey would be rescued through the collective response of two police departments, several local school officials and one very compassionate Tumblr follower.

Read The Whole Story By Clicking Here

Lessons:

Sending mean, anonymous messages speaks volumes about your character, or lack thereof.
All threats of suicide should be taken seriously and reported.
If you’re thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to one of the many suicide prevention hotlines that are waiting to help you.

Morning Humor

Sun, 19 May 2013 08:31:39 -0700

Hint: This one is guaranteed to make every five year old boy laugh. (Saying it out loud may help you to get this one.)

Knock, Knock.

Who’s There?

Smell Mop.

Smell Mop Who.

Ladies, I Love Pictures of Babies, Don't You?

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:56:47 -0700

The guy in the pictures - although who even notices him, really, because clearly your eyes are drawn to the babies - is rugby star and LGBTQ advocate, Ben Cohen.

The pics were taken as part of an ad campaign for Persil Non-Bio & Comfort Pure.

I could just look at ~~that sexy chest~~ those adorable babies all day long.

Photo Credit

A Humorous Look at Your Bum and What to Buy It to Make It Love You

Sat, 18 May 2013 11:55:00 -0700

A trip to Japan changed my life. Forever. When I went to Japan the first time, about nine years ago, I saw a lot of neat things. Cultural stuff. Historical stuff. But the best thing I saw? A toilet. Specifically, the toilet with a combination bidet toilet seat attached to it. And, after using it, I knew that my life had changed for the better and would never be the same again.

Drama struck our house a couple of weeks ago. The very first bidet toilet seat we bought, after returning home from that life and butt altering trip to Japan, broke and needed to be replaced. Its replacement arrived yesterday.

People who’ve never experienced a bidet toilet seat will often scoff at my love for them and ask such silly questions as, “Why do you need one of these?” or “Why in the world would I buy one of these?” or “You’re such a weirdo. How did you get my telephone number? Have you been stalking me?” Ok. The last one may be more of an editorial about my personality than a critique of my love for bidet toilet seats. Nevertheless, the best answers I can provide to the first two questions are from a product review that Gizmodo printed last year.

Products like these are huge in Asia, Europe, and most of the civilized world, yet they’re all but non-existent in the U.S. Why? If you ask me, it’s because many American men are afraid that if a water-jet hits them in the butthole and it feels good, that will make them gay. For the record: homosexuality doesn’t work like that. And you’re an idiot. (snip)

The rear wash works exceedingly well. After you get used to it you’ll never want to go back to scratchy, abrasive toilet paper. I’ve found myself downright indignant when I have to take a sh*t anywhere else. “You mean I have to wipe my own ass? Like some kind of f*cking peasant!?” Yeah, my ass is spoiled. 95-percent of the time, the bidet toilet seat takes care of everything (no poop left behind), and you won’t need any additional wiping. There’s a trick, though: you have to relax. If you clinch up when the water hits you, it can’t get in deep and do its thing. It’ll feel weird. That’s okay. Let it be weird. (snip)

The seat is nicely shaped and very comfortable. It gets warm extremely fast, as does the water. It’s been awesome in winter. Being able to adjust the width and pressure of the beam is downright essential for comfort, and this was able to accomodate everyone who tried it (seriously, all your friends will want to take a dump at your place). And it may seem like a small thing, but the no-slam seat and lid are really handy. Plus, you just feel way cleaner afterwards than you do with toilet paper.

The best thing. Many of them - like the one we just bought - have a remote control. And, who doesn’t want a remote control for their toilet seat?!?

These things are nothing short of heaven. And, really, you should love and cherish your butthole enough to eventually want one of these or at least start pooping at the home of a friend whose bathroom is equipped with one of these. Trust me. Your butthole will thank you. For sure.

Morning Humor

Sat, 18 May 2013 08:31:54 -0700

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

As a former Dairy Queen franchisee I know that the toppings are...

Fri, 17 May 2013 15:07:00 -0700

As a former Dairy Queen franchisee I know that the toppings are laden with empty calories so I usually don’t let the twins get any candy or syrup with their ice cream. (Yes. I’m a meanie. I know.) So, my “just ice cream” mandate resulted in the following conversation during a quick jaunt through a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Me: I’d like a cup of ice cream.

Cashier: You want that in a cone.

Me: No. In a cup.

Cashier: We don’t sell cups of ice cream.

Me: I can’t get plain ice cream in a cup?

Cashier: No. But, I can sell you a plain sundae.

Me: Ok. Whatever. I’ll take it.

As you can see from the picture of the receipt that’s what she sold me - a plain sundae. As you can see from the bottom picture that’s what she sold me - a plain sundae or as most people would call it - a cup of f*cking ice cream.

Maybe it’s just an instance of - I call it a tomato. You call it the fruit of the solanum lycopersicum plant.

Who's Right: The Advice Columnist or Me?

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:16:00 -0700

From The Guardian

Question: My boyfriend of three years has never actively looked at my vagina or shown the slightest interest in it other than the usual foreplay. He performs oral sex occasionally but always under the darkness of the duvet and has admitted he doesn’t find vaginas particularly attractive, joking that mine is especially repulsive. I feel hugely hurt and ashamed and his behaviour makes me consider him childish. He jokes that bodily fluids are disgusting and always washes after sex. I feel self-conscious and unattractive and worry that we’ll never enjoy the explorative sex life I’ve had with previous partners.

Advice Columnist’s Answer: Your boyfriend’s background may have made it difficult for him to be comfortable with his sexuality, or with your genitals. And like many men, he may have picked up a misleading notion of an ideal kind of vagina (“neat”, evenly proportioned and hairless) from media images. Help him receive some sex education to adjust his sexual attitudes by inviting him to join you either watching educational DVDs or reading a well-written book that accentuates sexual and physical diversity. Discuss the material as equal adults, not teacher/pupil, and reward him when he demonstrates maturity.

Me: Why the hell are you with a man who would call any part of your body “repulsive”? I’m gay and not particularly drawn to vaginas, yet I would never say something so mean to any woman, especially one that I was supposed to care about. As the advice columnist suggests, your boyfriend’s background may have made him uncomfortable with his sexuality. Or, maybe he’s gay. Who knows? But neither one of these possible suggestions excuses his rude, cruel, and childish behavior. Ladies, you deserve better. Never stay with a man (or a woman) who makes you feel ashamed of your body or calls any part of your body “repulsive”. DTMFA*.

And “reward him when he demonstrates maturity”? Seriously? What’s up with that? Adults are supposed to demonstrate maturity. That’s part of the whole being an adult thing. Give me a break. I ain’t got time to reward an adult for simply being an adult.

What do you think? Do you agree with advice columnist that she should work through it with her boyfriend or do you agree with me that he’s a jerk, not worthy of her time, and she should DTMFA?

*Dump The MotherF*cker Already

First Impressions

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:36:43 -0700

A fellow Tumblr blogger was nice enough to invite me to lunch next week. (No, I’m not going to tell you who. It’ll be a surprise.) After sending this text response,

it did cross my mind that it maybe wasn’t the best thing to say to someone who hasn’t yet met me. For the record, I always wear pants. Ok. Maybe not around the house. But, always when meeting people in public. Minus that one time in college. But that was a long time ago and was part of a bet.

Ugh. Sometimes my sense of humor (or what I think passes for humor) gets me in trouble. It’s no wonder nobody ever wants to meet me or invites me any place. Hopefully, this Tumblr blogger won’t be scared off and will still meet me next week.

Secret Tumblr Lunch Date - I’m publicly stating that I will wear pants. I promise. Heck. I’ll even wear the bells if you want me too. But, they’re kinda loud.

Morning Humor

Fri, 17 May 2013 08:40:00 -0700

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one animal, a dog?

It was a shitzu.

DynaPapa Clarifies Things For Me

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:12:00 -0700

I recently mentioned to DynaPapa that I was thinking of writing a post for a local news website, addressing the issue of guns and gun control. DynaPapa thinks that I can sometimes be a bit of an airhead so his one comment was, “You know. When people talk about gun control, they’re not talking about how well you could throw a rifle when you were in high school color guard.”

I know. It’s probably shocking to learn that for my sophomore and junior years of high school, I was part of the marching band’s rifle line. I was the first boy to ever try out for and make the group. Yeah. As you can imagine, this really didn’t do anything to help with the illusion of being just your average heterosexual male that I was so desperately trying to create.

Although, recently, I have watched a number of Youtube instructional videos on rifle spinning and, interestingly, many of them are done by guys. Maybe barriers are falling and straight guys are now joining?

Nevertheless, when a parent, prior to letting her child attend a play date at our house, recently asked, “If you have any guns, do you keep them secured?” DynaPapa gently reminded me, “Kenny, before you answer her question, remember she’s not referring to the high school color guard rifle that you keep hidden in the closet and take out and spin when you think I’m not watching. She’s talking about real guns.”

Duly noted, DynaPapa. Duly noted.

And, I can’t believe he’s been spying on me while I toss around my old rifle. I thought he was working in his office. Can’t a color guard alumni get any privacy around their own house? Jeesh.

Photo Credit (No that’s not me in the pic. I’m a gurrrl, not a girl.)

Parenting Lessons - Passing Gas Potentially Hazardous?

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:47:01 -0700

My twins, like many little boys, are absolutely fascinated with the “art” of passing gas and fart is probably one of their most frequently used words, much to my annoyance. Thus, it is tempting to share this story with them as a warning about the dangers of farting.

It started when he farted.

An Immokalee woman who is accused of throwing a kitchen knife at her longtime boyfriend told detectives she became angry when he passed gas in her face while they were watching TV Tuesday night, according to an arrest report.

Really. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Morning Humor

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:05:31 -0700

A woman with small breasts buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

The next morning, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobs size 44.”

There is a flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

She runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

The husband crosses his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor.”

There’s a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off.

Kids Still Do This?

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:24:07 -0700

As much as technology has changed over the last 40 years, I nearly fainted today when I picked up the twins & noticed a table of kindergarten girls making “cootie catchers”.

When I was in kindergarten & elementary school, the girls always made these. The older we got, the more elaborate they got. They evolved into “fortune tellers”. As for the boys, they made triangle paper footballs & played a “football-like” game with them. We had rules & kept score.

I can’t believe little girls are still making “cootie catchers”. The twins didn’t seem to know anything about the triangle paper footballs so maybe this interest comes later or has died out. I’m just amazed the “cootie catchers” have managed to survive into the digital age.

Did you make “cootie catchers” or triangle paper footballs as a kid? Do your kids make them? Do you even know what I’m talking about?

Parenting Gone Wrong

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:09:48 -0700

I know there are a lot of jokes floating around on the internet about keeping your kids off the pole. I’m sort of oblivious to pop culture so I’ve never really quite understood what these jokes meant, but I can tell you I certainly never imagined they were possibly giving advice to this moronic father.

Adolfo Guzman, 49, is being held at a Miami detention center, accused of using bicycle cable wires to tie his 12-year-old son to a concrete laundry pole by his ankle because the boy left home without permission.

Guzman left to go shopping shortly after, leaving the child tied up for a couple of hours, according to police.

Look. I’ve parented two teens - one of whom would ditch school, hop on BART, and go to A’s games. So, believe me, I know how frustrating teen and tweens can be. But, seriously? Chaining your kid to a laundry pole? What the hell is wrong with people?

Somebody recently overheard me telling DynaPapa, “Break...

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:41:55 -0700

Somebody recently overheard me telling DynaPapa, “Break time is over,” and wondered what I meant.

The phrase is an inside joke between the two of us and results from this print that I bought and hung in his office a few years ago. I thoroughly subscribe to the idea expressed by the print, much to his annoyance.

Print reads:

Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, and I’ve got big plans, so break time is over.

In truthfulness, I’m really not that high maintenance which is why I think we can joke about it.

As I’ve aged, I’ve learned that while sex and romance are important relationship components their degree of importance begins to wane after a number of years. I’ve also discovered that laughter, however, is a relationship component that grows in importance over time.

The ability to laugh at yourself and each other is critical to keeping the relationship going. Whenever I see a couple that no longer smiles or laughs together, I know trouble is on the horizon.

Masks

Wed, 15 May 2013 11:24:12 -0700

I’m usually quite shy until I get to know someone rather well. One of my friends, acknowledging my reserved demeanor, gave me a pair of sunglasses many years ago. They’re really made for a child or an adult with a normal sized head which is to say that they barely fit my oversized noggin.

He told me they reminded him of me. “A plain-Jane vanilla exterior…

…masking a plucky, pink personality on the inside.”

I’ve always been suspicious of alliteration so I’ve never been sure this was actually a compliment. However, I do love the sunglasses and have worn them for more than 10 years now, much to the dismay of my family.